I'm tired

The roads that we all travel are long and arduous.   There are perils and pitfalls, highs and lows, trials and tribulations.  Some things are left to fate and some things are constant, but all in all it's a crap shoot. 

There are those who will bail when you don't conform to their will.  There are those who will stay no matter what. 

There are those who will choose to support you regardless, and there are those who will look for the soft spot and kick you when you're down.

There are those who you think will be there no matter what - time, distance, feast or famine, agreements, disagreements and - then they are not. 

There are those that you did not expect and yet you don't know what you would do without them.

There are those who by no fault of their own, can't adjust to whatever the world has offered up and there are those who take it as it comes, hoping for the best, planning for the worst and sometimes ending up with a happy medium.   

People are people, human beings are a fickle lot.  I am a fickle human being.  I acknowledge I am not perfect, but I try my best.  I work hard to not harm others intentionally, to be patient and supportive to those who need it, to not judge based on what I think is best, because my perception is not another's reality.  I guess my real problem is that I honestly expect the same in return. 

You'd think by now I'd know that and be prepared for it, and yet I'm not.  I don't expect the kick, nor do I see it coming, I believe that what is said is what is meant and yet when it's not I am still surprised.  Perhaps I expect too much, perhaps I hope for the best, perhaps I try to hard, perhaps I am (as my husband always told me) just too naive. 

Perhaps, I'm just tired.
That's all.

I believe...

I believe in life.  Living it, loving it and using it to its fullest.  Whether you climb the highest mountains or simply stick to your small plot in the world, your life is yours and you should live it however it is you choose.  Be happy, be safe but live your life.  Don't be dictated to by others on how to live it and don't be smothered by others who don't understand.  Simply live.

I believe in love.  I don't believe that there is one kind of love or one true love or one way to love.  There are many types of love, friendship, partnership, undying and passionate, and low smolder that grows over time.  I don't think there is one true love for each person, everyone is different and everyone grows and changes with time and how sad would it be if love were not the same, ever changing, ever growing.  I think there are all consuming loves that leave one empty when they go.  I believe there are long enduring loves that last no matter the time, space or distance they remain forever.  I believe the key is to love - no matter what from the smallest love that's comes and goes with the wind, to the life altering, ground shaking explosions of love that burn bright.  Whatever your loves, be sure you love, because living without love, in my opinion of course, is not living your life to it's fullest.  Simply Love.

I believe in people.  Good, bad or indifferent I believe that people are what they are and there is no way around it.   There are people who are good to their core, kind, courteous, caring and sweet.  Then there are people who are not, who live to make other miserable no matter what the cost to themselves or others.  I don't necessarily believe that there are evil people in the world, I rather believe that there are those that are broken and can't be mended, those that are unloved and can't love.  But for all that good or bad -I believe in people.  I believe that the majority are just trying to do the best they know how the best way they know how.  Simply people.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.   We don't always know the reason, we don't always like the reason, but I believe there is a reason.   I may not get it and maybe I'm not supposed to, but the older I get and the more I go through I believe, truly, that everything happens for a reason and whether I want to accept it or not it happens anyway.  

I believe in a higher power.  Whether it's God, gods, goddesses, Allaha, Yahwea, or what have you, I believe there is a higher spiritual power that exists.  I believe that who ever you choose to worship however you choose to worship, if you choose to worship is your choice.  I believe it is not my place to pass judgment on those I disagree with, its my place to believe what I choose and not inhibit others rights to believe as they choose.

I believe in Faith.  There are so many types of faith, faith in ourselves, faith in the world, faith in love, faith in others, just Faith.  Whatever name you put on it, I believe that at times it is merely blinding faith in those I love and care about that pulls me through this world especially when times are tough.  Simply Faith.  

I'm sure there's more but for now...

That's all.
  

Sparky

For the last thirteen years – give or take a moment or two – I have walked through this world with Sparky.  We’ve shared love, pain, triumph and sorrow.  We shared family and friends.  We shared hearts, brains and souls.  We were not perfect.  He was not perfect.  But we were what we were and it worked very well for us.  We were by no means normal in some societal view of what is normal, but what we had worked, better then most.  And now, it’s changed. 

Stephen (Sparky) and I met in the summer of 1998, when I moved to Arizona.   I wasn’t here but a month when his skinny not so little self appeared on the other side of the fence from the house I was renting at the time.   My dog had been outside and I had been calling her in but she wouldn’t come.  I looked out and thought that her head was stuck in the fence, but low and behold it wasn’t stuck she was just getting petted on by the boy next door.  It wasn’t until years later that I would learn that this “spontaneous” moment had been a little manufactured in the hopes of meeting me (much to my surprise and shock, because really who’d want to meet me?)  From that day on a friendship/partnership was struck.  If you met Stephen, even once, you would understand that he had something that stuck to you from the moment you met him and held on like white on rice. 

Our paths at that point had led us in very different directions.   He was married (and 19 mind you) but separated and I was at the end of a long relationship.   Had we not met would things have been different, of course – but we did meet and we fit like two halves of a whole from that day on.  We were warned it would not work and that we shouldn’t put too much into it, after all it would be a rebound relationship and how often do those really work out.  Well I can tell you for a fact – this time it did – perhaps because of pure stubbornness which we both bore in spades or perhaps because it was the way it was supposed to be – we will never know, but really do we need to know?  

There were highs and lows – moments we probably could have done without and moments I would never ever have wished to live without - but it worked – we worked – and that was our success.   We took a societal improbable situation and created a beautiful family of our own.  We melded our histories, our talents, our faults and came out with us – a strong unit able to withstand the hardships, the pitfalls, the naysayers, the doubts, the pain, the sorrow, and the mess we all call life.

Sparky and I were one against it all.   People came and went from our lives – together and separately, but when it came down to basics – it was us, just us - for thirteen years.  And in the end, once again, it was just us.  

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that morning.  I can’t thank the powers that be enough that the day prior had been a completely family day from sun up to sun down.  While that wasn’t unusual -as his days off were few and when he had them we were together as a family no matter what - it was still special.  Sparky and I woke together in our bed the day before and talked like we always did.  We shared some alone time, as we did every day whether in person or by phone, before the rest of the world broke in to our space.   We spent the day with our family and he took care of us all day, even cooking for us all that night.   That day was wonderful, there were no harsh words, there was no fighting, there was nothing but a good day, and that night he tucked us all in and went off to do his normal evening things before turning in with me to rest before the next days events and the work week began again for him.   He knew I was tired so he forced me to bed early, kissed me, hugged me and told me he loved me – and off he went into the house to putter.   

Sparky always told me he loved me, I was never left to question it and neither were our children, and perhaps that’s one of the reasons we are able to deal as well as we are with loosing him, because there are no regrets, Sparky would not allow it, there are no questions as to how much he loved us or if he loved us, there just isn’t. 

We knew it, he knew it and even in our darkest hour we know, no matter what, we are loved.  And maybe, just maybe that is the salve that is helping us along down this new path where physically, Sparky is missing, but in every other way he’s here, walking with us, guiding us, slapping us in the back of the head and smiling as we toil on knowing that above all we are loved by Sparky. 

As with everything else that Sparky and I did – my grief will probably not be as society expects a widow to grieve, but rest assured, I grieve – with my whole heart, mind, body and soul, I grieve in my own way, just as Sparky would have expected me too and just as he would have wanted me too.  There is no way for “society” to understand what Sparky and I were, they didn’t get it then and they won’t get it now, but they don’t have to get it.   It is what it is.  Sparky and I knew that, those who truly love us knew that, and those who don’t never would have understood anyway.  

So this is what I say to you –

Live, as my husband did everyday of his life

Love, as my husband did with everything you have

Laugh, as my husband did throwing caution to the wind and society and normal be damned!

Never regret - choices are made, paths are walked, lives are lived and time moves us all forward whether we’re ready or not.

Let those you love know it, everyday - and let those you don’t go so they can find their own.  

Live your life as you choose and remember Karma always has a way of coming back by so be careful with your words and deeds, but never let anyone dictate your life based on their ideals– in the end you have to live with yourself and your choices, no one else. 

Our love was envied by some, different to others, and misunderstood by a few, but this I can tell you.  It was true, it was strong and it is what pushes me on, for my children and for Sparky.  RIP love and know that we carry you everywhere.  Always.