For the last thirteen years – give or take a moment or two – I have walked through this world with Sparky. We’ve shared love, pain, triumph and sorrow. We shared family and friends. We shared hearts, brains and souls. We were not perfect. He was not perfect. But we were what we were and it worked very well for us. We were by no means normal in some societal view of what is normal, but what we had worked, better then most. And now, it’s changed.
Stephen (Sparky) and I met in the summer of 1998, when I moved to
Arizona.
I wasn’t here but a month when his skinny not so little self appeared on the other side of the fence from the house I was renting at the time.
My dog had been outside and I had been calling her in but she wouldn’t come.
I looked out and thought that her head was stuck in the fence, but low and behold it wasn’t stuck she was just getting petted on by the boy next door.
It wasn’t until years later that I would learn that this “spontaneous” moment had been a little manufactured in the hopes of meeting me (much to my surprise and shock, because really who’d want to meet me?)
From that day on a friendship/partnership was struck.
If you met Stephen, even once, you would understand that he had something that stuck to you from the moment you met him and held on like white on rice.
Our paths at that point had led us in very different directions. He was married (and 19 mind you) but separated and I was at the end of a long relationship. Had we not met would things have been different, of course – but we did meet and we fit like two halves of a whole from that day on. We were warned it would not work and that we shouldn’t put too much into it, after all it would be a rebound relationship and how often do those really work out. Well I can tell you for a fact – this time it did – perhaps because of pure stubbornness which we both bore in spades or perhaps because it was the way it was supposed to be – we will never know, but really do we need to know?
There were highs and lows – moments we probably could have done without and moments I would never ever have wished to live without - but it worked – we worked – and that was our success. We took a societal improbable situation and created a beautiful family of our own. We melded our histories, our talents, our faults and came out with us – a strong unit able to withstand the hardships, the pitfalls, the naysayers, the doubts, the pain, the sorrow, and the mess we all call life.
Sparky and I were one against it all. People came and went from our lives – together and separately, but when it came down to basics – it was us, just us - for thirteen years. And in the end, once again, it was just us.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that morning. I can’t thank the powers that be enough that the day prior had been a completely family day from sun up to sun down. While that wasn’t unusual -as his days off were few and when he had them we were together as a family no matter what - it was still special. Sparky and I woke together in our bed the day before and talked like we always did. We shared some alone time, as we did every day whether in person or by phone, before the rest of the world broke in to our space. We spent the day with our family and he took care of us all day, even cooking for us all that night. That day was wonderful, there were no harsh words, there was no fighting, there was nothing but a good day, and that night he tucked us all in and went off to do his normal evening things before turning in with me to rest before the next days events and the work week began again for him. He knew I was tired so he forced me to bed early, kissed me, hugged me and told me he loved me – and off he went into the house to putter.
Sparky always told me he loved me, I was never left to question it and neither were our children, and perhaps that’s one of the reasons we are able to deal as well as we are with loosing him, because there are no regrets, Sparky would not allow it, there are no questions as to how much he loved us or if he loved us, there just isn’t.
We knew it, he knew it and even in our darkest hour we know, no matter what, we are loved. And maybe, just maybe that is the salve that is helping us along down this new path where physically, Sparky is missing, but in every other way he’s here, walking with us, guiding us, slapping us in the back of the head and smiling as we toil on knowing that above all we are loved by Sparky.
As with everything else that Sparky and I did – my grief will probably not be as society expects a widow to grieve, but rest assured, I grieve – with my whole heart, mind, body and soul, I grieve in my own way, just as Sparky would have expected me too and just as he would have wanted me too. There is no way for “society” to understand what Sparky and I were, they didn’t get it then and they won’t get it now, but they don’t have to get it. It is what it is. Sparky and I knew that, those who truly love us knew that, and those who don’t never would have understood anyway.
So this is what I say to you –
Live, as my husband did everyday of his life
Love, as my husband did with everything you have
Laugh, as my husband did throwing caution to the wind and society and normal be damned!
Never regret - choices are made, paths are walked, lives are lived and time moves us all forward whether we’re ready or not.
Let those you love know it, everyday - and let those you don’t go so they can find their own.
Live your life as you choose and remember Karma always has a way of coming back by so be careful with your words and deeds, but never let anyone dictate your life based on their ideals– in the end you have to live with yourself and your choices, no one else.
Our love was envied by some, different to others, and misunderstood by a few, but this I can tell you. It was true, it was strong and it is what pushes me on, for my children and for Sparky. RIP love and know that we carry you everywhere. Always.
